Despite being in my infancy in terms of my walk with God, I find myself feeling stronger as each day passes. A little over a month ago, I started going back to Church. Little did I know, that day I would be beginning a journey that would change the course of my life forever.
Joining Embrace Grace, a program for women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, has transformed everything for me. I've learned that the first step in order for me to be a good mom to my son (who is due anytime now), is to forgive my mother. My childhood was extremely hard. It was full of abuse and neglect, and for decades I carried the weight of pain, hate, and resentment. Now that I am bringing my own child into the world, a lot of that pain has bubbled to the surface, and it almost cost me my walk with God.
Last night's Embrace Grace class was about forgiveness. We did an exercise where we closed our eyes and just went into prayer. During that time, memories of my childhood bubbled up like volcano lava. I became angry, upset, and to be honest, I almost walked out of there. I battled the anger and asked God to instill peace in my heart and soul. I spent the majority of the night praying over the situation. It took several hours, but I was able to feel peace in that part of my soul that had been damaged for so long. Reliving those memories was extremely hard, but I needed to put it in God's Hands so I could be free, my mother could be free, and so my son could be free. I want to bring my son into the world with a clean slate. I don't want to resent my child because of what I experienced in my childhood. I don't want to have history repeat itself.
This morning, I felt myself sliding backward and some of those lies that I been repeating to myself for years resurfaced. I kept screaming NO from the depths of my soul. I decided to put on some music, and the first song I felt led to listen to is "Declaration: This is It," by Kirk Franklin. I absolutely love that song. It definitely helps me battle against an enemy that is obviously feeling threatened by my new walk with God. I felt those lies slowly go away and all that was left was me and God, battling against fear, resentment, pain, and lies.
After I spent time listening to music and battling through the lies, I spent time in prayer, asking God to continue His work in me. I started to realize that the pain from my past was almost GONE! Then I researched scripture about forgiveness. There are two verses that really popped out to me that I'm about to post EVERYWHERE in my house:
I truly believe that the tiny little human in my belly has completely saved my life. I never would have gone to Church if it weren't for him. I never would be putting so much effort into healing, forgiving, and my relationship with God, if it weren't for what happened last year.
I am indebted to the men and women at my Church for their friendship, prayers, positivity, and love. I am also grateful for Embrace Grace for the changes I am currently going through. This program is helping me become the mom and the woman I am meant to be.
While I was praying this morning, I knew that my grandparents in Heaven (on my dad's side) were celebrating my progress. My grandparents helped my dad raise me from age 8 to 18. Both were believers. My grandmother had a faith that was so strong, it could move mountains. She may have been this tiny, frail older woman, but she had a spirit that could bench-press the biggest of obstacles. She worked tirelessly to instill the same in me (obviously, it has taken me a while lol). I know now that she is up in Heaven, crying tears of joy and happiness. I can pass the same on to my son. She left a legacy that I will be continuing.
I know that I sound preachy and everything, but I'm writing from the heart. This is Unfiltered Perspectives after all. I can post how I feel, and I do it in hopes that it helps someone else. When it comes to forgiveness, it is difficult. When you forgive in the name of Christ, it will change your life forever. Trust me on this one, LOL!