This summer has been one of the most emotional summers of my life. At times it's been happy and full of romance. Then it becomes poignant and angry. It's been confusing, busy, and life changing.
In June, I reconnected with someone I had feelings for in 2016. I ended up having feelings for her again during our reunion. I ended up moving too fast feelings-wise, and it ended badly (I messed up a lot).
As a means of retaliation, I ran to the dating sites, looking to rebound quickly. I met one girl, and we hit it off very fast. We spent hours talking on the phone every day. Our feelings mutually became stronger for each other by the day. I was falling for her, hard. Our first meeting was not what we were expecting. She ended up feeling more of a friendship vibe toward me, while my feelings were unchanged. We went through a few weeks of chaos before I realized that she belongs in my life. It was hard to be friends with someone that I had strong feelings for, but I didn't want to lose her. I hoped that maybe, one day, she would come around.
Last night, after I got off the phone with her, I decided that I needed to let go. I needed to let go of the feelings I had for her and move on. I want her to live her life and find her person. I want to be happy and fulfilled again. None of this can happen until I relinquish my feelings for her. I know she probably feels a little guilty when she talks to other girls. I don't want her to. I want her to explore her options. I don't want her to worry about my feelings. She deserves to be free, and so do I.
While she lives her life, I will be living mine. I am giving myself a year of wellness. Starting today, I will be letting go of all things that no longer serve me at soul level. I will be embracing wellness, peace, tranquility, art, passion, nature, poetry, books, etc. I don't want to lose my connection to my former interests. I want to continue a friendship with them. They are obviously put in my life for a reason, and I believe a lot can be learned from one other.
I am not saying goodbye to romance forever. I'm saying, 'see you later.' I am taking a break from dating and romance for at least one year. Romance is great when you are ready for it. Romance is stormy when you aren't ready for it. Technically, I've been single for 5 years. I haven't even kissed anyone in 5 years. I can wait a little bit longer. I need to grow/ascend to a better version of myself. If romance is not in the cards for me, when all is said and done, then I need to be truly okay with that.
I already feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I'm looking forward to my year of wellness. I think when you've had a chaotic period in your life, it's healthy to take a step back so you can heal and ascend.