Welcome to the 2020 Presidential Debate. Tonight's moderator is Karen, and she joins us now.
Good evening everyone. My name is Karen and I am here to moderate the debate between Smudge and Rover. Both candidates will have two uninterrupted minutes to talk during each section. If either candidate, Smudge especially, interrupts during the two minutes, I will FUCK YOU UP!
Now, let's meet our two candidates: Smudge and Rover.
Welcome, candidates. Now, the first topic is the legalization of marijuana. Smudge, you have two minutes.
Smudge: Thanks, Karen. It's nice to see that your lips stopped swelling after your latest lip implant. Now, marijuana... us cats have been using catnip since the dawn of time. The reason why we are the superior species, is because we are so laid back. I will legalize marijuana so that every human can stop being so uptight.
My opponent here, Rover, doesn't believe in marijuana. He doesn't believe in relaxing. He's nothing but a bone collector that pisses all over your carpet.
Rover: At least we are loyal!
Karen: Please wait your turn, Rover.
Smudge: Loyal? Is your mom loyal?
Rover: Yes. My mom is very loyal to my dad.
Smudge: That's not the impression I got from her last night in the hotel room.
Rover: TAKE THAT BACK!
Smudge: Wish I could. She was worse than your sister.
Rover: He started it.
Karen: Rover, where do you stand on legalizing marijuana?
Rover: I'm against it. Dogs by nature are naturally silly and energetic. Humans have the same capacity.
Smudge: You drink from the toilet. Are you going to make those humans drink from the toilet?
Rover: You gonna make them urinate and poo in a box?
Smudge: No, but the box is good for hiding bones.
Rover: You are such a piece of garbage.
Smudge: Will you shut up, man?
Karen: STOP IT! I'm going to speak to both your campaign managers. These interruptions are a violation of your contracts. Please STOP INTERRUPTING!
Smudge: Settle down, Karen. Want some ganja?
Karen: Next topic is healthcare. How would you make healthcare better for the humans? Rover?
Rover: Exercise is important to us dogs. We would encourage exercise, eating meat, and good hygiene.
Karen: Smudge, how would you change human healthcare for the better?
Smudge: GANJA and gettin' busy!
Karen: SMUDGE, there are children watching this debate.
Smudge: Not my kids.
Karen: I need a break. We will continue this another day.
Smudge: Karen, here's some ganja and my room key. Your bottle needs uncorking.
Rover: That is such a pussy move, Smudge.
Smudge: Don't be such a salty bitch. You're just jealous I didn't ask you back to my room. I have boned a lot of bitches in my day, but I don't do ratchet bitches.