Just when I thought this issue was behind me, it rears its ugly head.
In February 2013, my life changed forever. I was working 2 CNA jobs, and I was resting before my next shift. I got up from the couch, and experienced horrible amounts of pain. Nevertheless, I tried pushing through it. I got to my car, and was on my way. The pain was excruciating. It felt like the bones in my back were being crushed, and I felt like my legs would explode. I didn't make it a mile down the road. I went home, and prayed for this pain to go away. The pain didn't go away. The situation with my back got worse. There were weeks at a time where I couldn't walk. Even breathing hurt. I was miserable, and I was bringing everyone with me for the ride.
In 2014, I was connected with my neurosurgeon. He had me undergo a discography to pinpoint which discs were diseased. Doctors did that by injecting dye into the discs in order to inflict pain. They tried all of my discs. When they got down to L4/L5, I thought I was going to die. The pain was the worst I've ever experienced in my life. I felt like I was in a scene from "Susperia." I was in such horrible pain, that I was biting down on a towel so I didn't scream.
As painful as it was, I felt validated. I had doctors tell me that the back pain was due to obesity, depression, etc. One doctor wanted to put me in impatient treatment for mental illness. The pain I received from the discography was a middle finger to the people who didn't believe my pain was real. I was approved for surgery right away. That surgery took place on June 10, 2014. Several months later, I wasn't any better. According to MRIs and Xrays, my surgery failed.
While it did relieve a little bit of that severe pain, I was still having issues after that surgery.
In March of 2017, I was approved for a revision surgery.
The day of the revision surgery, there was a "blizzard" hitting the area. I went in a day early because the governor was closing the roads. I had no loved ones in the hospital with me when I had my surgery, and it was pretty scary. I didn't see anyone until the next day. In the months following this surgery, I was doing MUCH BETTER. In fact, I was pain-free for the first time since February 2013! I was excited, and I was starting my life back up again. I started a new job, moved into my own place, and I was living the life I was dreaming about since the pain started. I even got back together with a guy from my past. Life was perfect!
In September 2017, I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified because I was still recovering from March's surgery (it takes a year to heal from spinal fusions). I was emotionally and spiritually attached to the baby I was carrying, so abortion was NOT AN OPTION. I went into the pregnancy knowing that my could seriously fuck up my back for the rest of my life. I held out hope that I could be wrong.
I had my son, and I've been raising him as a single mom ever since. Up until recently, my back has been holding up pretty well!
Over a month ago, I decided to shovel snow for my dad. That pain came back. Since then, I've been living in a familiar discomfort. My back has been pained, crampy, and occasionally throbbing. I've had numbness and weakness in both legs, and when the pain is really bad, it affects walking.
This morning, I visited my neurosurgeon's office for a checkup. I have some nerve root compression, and my Xrays showed that I have Grade 1 Retrolisthesis in both L3/L4 and L5/S1 (these are above and below where I have my hardware). On top of all of that, the rest of my spine is destabilizing (I pretty much have the spine of a 60+ year old right now).
Next month I have an MRI scheduled, as well as another follow-up. In the meantime, I have been told to avoid ALL strenuous activities. Now this presents a problem because I have a toddler that loves to be picked up and held. He also loves to play with me on the floor. He is insanely active, so I have to be ready at all times to grab him out of harm's way. I know that if I don't modify things, I could be looking at another surgery, or I could be disabled.
The one thing I am good at is coming up with solutions to my problems. I want to avoid getting into my own head, and beating myself up. I did that for years, and I pushed a lot of people away. I have a lot more at stake, and I have 32lbs of inspiration in my toddler. I'm also a lot stronger, mentally. It's a lot, but I won't lay down my sword in surrender. I'm battling back, and I will win. I always win.
Dear Gen Z,
We get it. We are old.
The last thing you want to do is deal with old fogies trying to keep their generation's fads going. My generation grew up with grunge, big hair, boy bands, flair jeans, REAL hip hop, flannel shirts, Jncos, vinyl, cassettes, CDs, VHS, and more. You tell us on the daily that we don't know the struggles of youth.
*insert sarcasm* After all, we were never young. We didn't deal with growing pains. We didn't have cataclysmic events that turned our world upside down. *end sarcasm*
We understand that covid era sucks, but you aren't the first generation to endure hardships.
My generation's grandparents and great-grandparents (your ancestors) lived through the depression and World Wars. Our parents watched the assassinations of JFK and Martin Luther King Jr. That generation also dealt with a ton of social justice issues. My generation, the Xennials, were preschoolers when the Challenger exploded on national TV (I remember watching it on the TV. I was too young to understand everything that happened, but I knew it was very bad). We had relatives who fought in Desert Storm. We were in junior high when the Oklahoma City Bombing occurred. People got into physical fights over Biggie and Tupac (I remember seeing this in school. It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen). In 2001, we watched from our college dorms as planes flew into buildings in NYC (I was a freshman in college, and saw the second plane hit the WTC on live TV. By far the scariest thing I've ever seen. My family lost dear friends on that day). This was the darkest day of our generation. It was a day that I will never forget. I watched dozens of cars trying to leave my college campus in a panic. Some of them didn't know that the borders of Connecticut and NY were closed. Some didn't care. They were going to get through and see their families, come hell or high water. Our generation was well into the workforce when the 2008 recession hit. I was working retail management when the recession hit. I was expected to receive an increase in salary that year. I didn't receive my raise because the company froze wages for a year.
When it comes to fashion, we get it. The older folks "know nothing" about fashion. In the 1980s and 1990s, fashion evolved countless times. Even Madonna couldn't keep up.
You guys might cringe when you see us putting side parts in our hair, and you may cringe when we wear skinny jeans.
All I gotta say to you is: deal. with. it.
It is tiring to raise kids as opinionated as you, and while we encourage you to have these strong opinions, the least you can do for us is allow us to be comfortable. Sure, you may want to "cancel" us for our various crimes against fashion and life. Sometimes we want to VETO you for being TOO opinionated. The instability between our generations needs to stop. In a perfect world, we'd be able to come up with common ground.
However, since you guys are young and think you know everything, I guess I will have to get a little nasty.
On behalf of my generation, and the generations before us:
Take your cancel culture, your aversion for side parts, laugh emojis, and skinny jeans, and shove it up your TikTok!
Speaking of TikTok:
#Xennial #Millennials #GenZ #Boomers #TikTok #socialmedia #Twitter #blogging #WednesdayWisdom #blog
It's everywhere: society's ideals of what the perfect body is. When you've spent the vast majority of your life overweight, these images are shoved down your throat everyday. It's overwhelming.
If you've ever been on a weight loss journey, and you have reached your goal, there is more societal pressure to keep it off. Not only have you dealt with the pressure to lose weight, you deal with the pressure to keep it off. You can't win!
I've struggled with my weight since I was 8 years old. I'm now 38, and while I look somewhat normal, I am overweight by BMI standards. At my highest, I was 260lbs. At my lowest, I was 138lbs. Before yesterday, I was 155lbs (I ate an entire bag of gluten free gummy worms while watching the Punky Brewster reboot, so that's probably going to add a pound or so to that number). I shouldn't be completely terrified of my lack of self-control, but I am. Why? Because there are people in my life who are expecting me to fail at keeping the weight off. They want me to go back to that place of self-loathing. These people want me to be miserable because it makes THEM feel better.
In high school, I was bullied for my weight. Guys never talked to me, and girls shamelessly hated on me. Years later when I lost weight, these people came back into my life, called me an inspiration, and suddenly wanted to be my friend. Some of the guys wanted to be my friend too. I felt the pressure to keep my weight down. There were times where I skipped meals, and went too hard in my workouts (while dealing with a spinal injury).
I was crumbling under the pressure.
What if we took away their power over us, and empowered ourselves to be happy no matter what size we were? I'm not saying steal my gummy worms, and down 5 pizzas in one sitting. As long as we are generally healthy, we should feel beautiful and sexy at any size. It is expected for us to be large and not in charge of our happiness. We can be small, medium, large, XL, XXL, XXXL, and more...and in charge of our happiness.
We deserve it!
Don't let bullies, life, societal norms, and that inner voice (that sounds like society) tell you that you aren't good enough as you are. Release the pressure back into the universe and be the goddess or god that you are.
#bodyimage #bodyacceptance #selfcare #societalpressure #bodypositivity #blogging #lifestyle #amblogging #blogger
How many of you have friends that constantly air their dirty laundry? You probably have at least one person that uses their social media like it's their diary.
They just put it all out there:
"Dear diary, I took a massive shit while thinking about my ex."
"Dear diary, my best friend is a total slut and I hate her fucking guts."
"Dear diary, I hate Khloe Kardashian, but I want the same nose job she has."
"Dear diary, why aren't my friends on Facebook reacting to my posts? I need to be in the spotlight! They all suck."
We are all guilty of oversharing our dirty laundry.
Back in the day, I overshared my personal life so much, people stopped talking to me. They would unfriend me, block me, and never speak to me again. These were all people that knew me in real life!
Here are some classics that Facebook memories loves to share with me:
"Interesting to know that people who were dicks in grade school are still dicks as adults. Karma bitch!"
"Kinda want to order a bunch of cookies for myself for Valentine’s Day. Kinda don’t want to gain weight from eating all of them.
Being crazy is hard 😂 🍪"
"Leaving the door open for anyone else who wants to bounce from my life. I'm going through too much crap right now and I can't deal with negativity.
"Fuck Valentine's Day...be prepared to see this same status next week...you'd be bitter too if you are spending another Valentine's Day single.."
"I may have to play Wii Bowling in my underwear from now on!"
"is not feeling well at all. Getting ready for work anyways. Damn Celiac flare up."
"is feeling so frickin hollow inside...but I gotta pull myself together and get to work. I don't understand why this shit keeps happening to me.."
"Yeah I need to find a cuddle buddy lolz 😂"
These aren't even my worst offenses. After one birthday, I screamed at all the people who did not wish me a happy birthday. I threatened a mass deletion from my friends list. I was a total cunt to everyone.
Through the years, I overshared the most after bad relationships ended, when I was diagnosed with Celiac disease and a few other autoimmune diseases, when I injured my back, and when I had shitty work days. During my early days on Facebook, I was dealing with a string of bad dating experiences. I would cry like a psycho over these guys, call myself fugly, and tell people I will end up alone. Seeing these posts come up in Facebook memories makes me want to go back in time and smack myself across the face, with a cinderblock.
Every time we react to something, whether it's cursing someone out, or airing our dirty laundry on social media, we give away a piece of us. We give away our power. We are pretty much whoring out our soul. We are also giving people receipts to hurt us when they see fit. Bel-lieve- me, I am a control freak, I always have to have the final say in everything. I need to walk away from situations, knowing that I stung the fuck out of the person who attacked me. I had to change this about myself because it was weakening me. It's like when you drink alcohol to numb emotional and physical pain. Sure, it works for an hour or two, but the problem is still waiting for you when the numbness wears off.
The only way to avoid all of that (and save money on booze), is to stop airing dirty laundry, gain some perspective on life, and never be in a position where you freely give away your power.
Here are a few suggestions in which you can use your power for something good:
Kick it old school and write your gripes in a notebook. I still do it. It actually prevents me from sharing personal stuff online. I also use it to release anger that I may have about someone or something. It's pretty therapeutic.
I have been enamored with art for most of my life. I even minored in art in college. My favorite medium is charcoal, and I plan on creating designs that I will be selling.
During the warmer months, I love to grow my own food and herbs. There's something incredibly therapeutic about the process of gardening (plus it's a decent calorie burn).
Getting a little exercise definitely helps release the stress.
Volunteer/Get involved in activism.
One of the things that helped me gain some perspective was expanding my knowledge about the world and various struggles. I learned about how a lot of countries have been damaged by the virus. Families have been separated, kids are being sold into sex trafficking rings, and little girls are being sold to middle-aged men as child brides. These little girls are raped and killed by their captives. While this has been happening for centuries, it has gotten worse with the pandemic. It is brutal out there, and it doesn't make sense to complain about white girl privilege. I have been involved in a ton of activism since my eyes have been opened. The world needs change, and knowing what's going on out there has helped me be less selfish. I am taking the power that I used during my selfish times, and pouring it into helping the world be a better place. Find a cause, find many causes, and help make the world a better place.
These are just some of the ways in which we can use our energies for good. I know I didn't mention family and close friends in my suggestions, but these are a given. Family should always be #1. Whether it's the family you were born into, or the one you chose for yourself, always choose them (the ones that aren't toxic anyway).
I talk more in depth about this topic on my Podcast, which you can listen to here (Look for Sassy and Unfiltered: Airing Dirty Laundry and Giving Away Your Power). Take a drink every time I say "you know."
#selfworth #selflove #strength #wisdom #socialmedia #love #friends #rants #facebook #twitter #snapchat #instagram
1965 was a huge year:
On February 8th, 1965, The Supremes dropped a song that has stood the test of time. The girl group recorded the song in January 1965, released it as a single, and included it on their 6th album, "More Hits by The Supremes." The group was nominated for Best Contemporary Rock and Roll Group Vocal Performance at the 1966 Grammy's (this was a HUGE deal back then).
Diana Ross provided powerhouse vocals to the single, along with her incredible backup singers: Florence Ballard, Mary Wilson, and the Andantes (Jackie Hicks, Marlene Barrow, and Louvain Demps).
The choreography with this song has also stood the test of time.
Happy 56th anniversary to the release of this incredible song!
Sad news to report: Mary Wilson, one of the founding members of The Supremes, died Monday. She was 76. RIP Mary Wilson!
#Music #MondayMood #ValentinesDay #TheSupremes #DianaRoss #OnThisDay #History #Motown
How many of you grew up watching Disney movies? Probably most of you.
It's the same story: a pretty damsel has a rough home life. She meets a handsome prince. He helps her out of a sticky situation. They fall in love. She and the prince get married, and they live happily ever after. Nothing happens after that. We don't see the fair maiden doing anything else.
Her story ends when a man saves her.
It kind of sounds like a Hallmark movie starring Candace Cameron Bure or Lacey Chabert.
Anyways, we are shown these stories and we start to believe that a happily ever after consists of finding our handsome man. Our parents and grandparents encourage this mindset. They talk about how much they love one another, and that someday we will find our true love.
From the very beginning, girls are taught that the ultimate "happy ending" in life was to find a handsome man, get married, and live happily ever after. We are also taught by society, movies, TV, music, and our families to romanticize everything. "We have to do everything with heart." "We have to let our heart lead us when it comes to love." We aren't taught anything else. We were groomed for a life that does not exist. Life is constantly changing, and we are brought up the same way our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were raised. Those worlds do not exist anymore. Yes, we need the basics guidelines. However, this world has different rules, and the glass ceiling continues to shatter more and more.
The American dream, society's happy ending, consists of getting married in your 20s, starting a career and family in your 20s, raising teens in your 30s, progressing in your career in your 30s, having a home, having a car, joining clubs, watching your kids go to college in your 40s, and living a middle-age life (50s and beyond), just you and your husband (obvi the grown kids visit once a week with their kids and spouses).
This is considered the American dream.
Society's American dream is NOT REALITY. Only a small amount of people are living that American dream. The rest of us are just trying to keep our head above water. Certainly, some of us watch through the fence as those in Mayberry are living the American dream, and we wish it were happening to us. Because of how we were brought up, we fail to realize that we have a different happy ending. Some people don't want to get married and have kids in their 20s. Some people wait until they are in their 30s and 40s. Others don't see that as their American dream at all! There is no collective happy ending. We have what works for us. There is a general bottom line, and I will explain below.
In my personal life, and I go more in depth on my Podcast, which you can listen to here, I'm 38 and I'm still single. I grew up romanticizing everything, had many failed dating situations, and I always blamed other people. Through the years, I watched as my HS graduating class lived the American dream. A lot of them have gotten married, they are working high paying jobs, and they are homeowners. I used to be insanely jealous of them, and seeing their happiness pissed me off even more. I would ask myself, "Everyone else was living my dream. Why wasn't I?"
I started to have inner peace within the very depths of my soul. Everything was quiet, and I had no drama in my life. This was the crazy part because I've always had drama in my life. To suddenly have quiet in my head, heart, and soul, it rocked my fucking world.
I re-wired my thought process and realized that my happy ending is...me! I realized that I had everything that I need in order to be a whole person. Searching for love in other people, romanticizing every single fucking detail, was nothing but madness.
Guys, happy endings are more than just romantic love. We have to love the fuck out of ourselves before we can be of any use to someone else. You cannot fake the process, and you cannot expedite the process. It takes as long as it takes. I'm the strongest I've ever been, but I know I still have a ways to go. I'm living an amazing moment in my life, and if someone is out there for me, we will find each other when the time is right. If there is no one out there for me, I'm completely okay with it. Either way, I have my happy ending. I can look back on my life and be so proud of myself.
Happy endings are more than just romance, and a hand job at a massage parlor. It's achieving inner happiness and inner peace. We may have been spoon-fed fairytale stories as kids. We may have overindulged in Lifetime and Hallmark movies as adults, but that doesn't mean we continue the cycle of romanticizing everything. We can change the course of our lives, and we can raise our children to have inner peace as their goal. Happiness matters, romanticizing does not matter.
There is a quote from a movie called "He's Just Not That Into You," and it is just so perfect. Ginnifer Goodwin who plays Gigi, said it at the end of the movie:
“We're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.”
While a romantic happy ending is great, it pales in comparison to the great love and respect you can have for yourself. This is the key that unlocks our own unique happy ending. It will change everything, and you will bless your own life with nothing but the very best. When you love yourself, you are untouchable and unstoppable.
Now THAT'S a happy ending!
Did you know there are 14 religious holidays during the holiday season, and dozens of non-holiday celebrations? It's true!
Notable holiday celebrations during the holiday season include Kwanzaa (December 26-January 1), Human Rights Day (December 10), Hogmanay (December 31-January 1), and Chalica (the first week of December).
The Christians like to assume that they have the supreme faith, and no other faith exists. Some Christians scoff when people celebrate other holidays and not Christians. If you DARE say "Happy Holidays" to a Christian, you will get an ear full.
I worked retail for several years and I dreaded the holiday season. Not only did I have droves of grumpy customers who entered my store, I had Karens who would get pissed at me when I didn't say "Merry Christmas" back to them. Why would I denounce all of the above holidays (by the way, those are just a few of the holidays observed during the holiday season), just to please them? I know what you're thinking, you say whatever you need to in order to keep your job. Luckily for me, I had two bosses that weren't Christian. It was acceptable for me to say "Happy Holidays."
As an accepting and loving person, I acknowledge all celebrations that are happening at this time of year, and all year long.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM UNFILTERED PERSPECTIVES! <3
#HappyHolidays #MerryChristmas #holidayseason #Christmas2020
If you are a frequent visitor of PornHub (and I won't judge you...much), you may have noticed that there aren't as many adult entertainment videos. That's because PornHub recently deleted all unverified videos from its site. The only content that remains are uploaded videos from a "content partner," or a "verified user."
Pornhub will be reviewing and verifying that ALL videos meet the site's trust and safety policy.
The site recently came under fire for not being forthright in its safety policies. People feared that this lax in enforcement may be leading to child exploitation. Many other issues were found on the site, including videos depicting revenge porn, and videos uploaded without the consent of those in the videos.
Internet Watch Foundation reported 118 incidents of child sex abuse material on PornHub. Facebook self-reported 84 million incidents of child sex abuse material on the social media platform.
Pornhub mentioned that they are strictly enforcing that all material uploaded is from verified uploaders, "a requirement that platforms like Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Snapchat and Twitter have yet to institute."
I'm glad that they are strictly enforcing this. I used to be a verified model on PornHub. Before you guys get all excited about this, I didn't show anything fun. I wore sexy outfits. That's all. Anyway, I did see a lot of content on PH where many of the people in the video were NOT 18 or older. Additionally, I saw a lot of videos that depicted rape, and some of the women being assaulted were NOT acting. I reported everything I saw, and when nothing was done, I took down my profile and never logged in again.
I'm not a porn site hater. I just think that these sites need to be forthright on enforcing safety protocols. It sucks that Pornhub's cage needed to be rattled before they changed their policies. They should have never opened their site up for just anyone to upload videos. ID should always be checked, and it should be a lengthy process to become a model or talent.
Times are tough, and with many companies shutting their doors because of the pandemic, people are wondering if there are any jobs out there. Indeed there are (see what I did there?)!
The following companies are currently hiring:
A complete list can be found here.
Many of these jobs are in high demand. Make sure your resume stands out. Create a cover letter, dress for success, and kick ass at the interview. Also, make sure your breath isn't ripe. Down 3 tic-tacs before going in for the interview.
Good luck! :-)
Here's how NOT to do an interview: